language I - speaking

If I had a nickel for every time I've used the words groan, or moan to describe my prayer in the last six months... well I've used them a lot. And you've read them a lot. Oh, yeah, and "wisps of my heart." I've done a lot of moaning and groaning out here on the deck.
I know I've even mentioned to a friend at one rather difficult time that I didn't even feel like I could pray. My friend said that was ok, because sometimes that's what friends are for. That is true, friends have words when words can't be found. But what I only partly knew at the time was that words couldn't be found because there were no words to be found. Sometimes, if someone has a word for you, or a word to offer up for you, it's because they don't truly understand where you are, or what you're dealing with. If they did, they'd be without words too. But even that falls into what I have to talk about.
Often, on Sunday mornings I use David Crowder's "I Need Words". It is a wonderful expression of the inability to find the words to express an emotion. What is precisely not true in the song, is "I need words." I have come to realize that I don't need words. Moans and groans will do fine, thank you. I will continue to sing that song. It will express my desire to express. It will be a reminder to me and to everyone else that I still haven't found the words. If I did find them, I would define a God that can't be defined and I would insufficiently express emotion that can't be expressed.
There are times when any words used would be lies. Any. So why even try? Why not just feel? And be. And let God, who IS, Be. He will be for me, even when I can't cry out. When I grasp in the dark, there he is, being in the dark.
Eugene Peterson has summarized all he has learned into 3 types of language. The first type doesn't really use words. It's the language of emotion and need and intimacy. It's the first language we use. Babies communicate with parents and parents with babies this way. Tears and tunes and coos and moans. It is nonsense and it is understood. Lovers communicate this way, and praying worshippers do as well. The other two types are informational and motivational. They dominate society. They are the languages of schools and advertisement and ... unfortunately, the church. Conformed to this world. A loss of the emotional and spiritual. Sure, we tell heartwarming stories, but they are designed to be motivational. Sure we rehearse ancient, moving historical accounts, but they are designed to be informational. In fact, we're terrified of emotion and completely confused with spiritual. That's why everything is accomplished in five steps and spirituality is measured by five outcomes. Why would we so intentionally avoid the language of the Spirit himself? Moans and groans. Tears and tunes and coos and smiles. As Peterson notes, some people never quit using this language - a few lovers, some poets, the saints.
I embrace the language of surrendered moaning. I am helpless. Expressionless. Needy.
You know my inmost thoughts. I don't need words.