XLII

For the past couple years on this day, I’ve mentioned a first in my life. Lifelong dreams come true. Two years ago, I woke beside a 40-year-old woman for the first time. Last year, I woke beside a 41-year-old woman for the first time in my life. Today has come and gone, and I’ve not yet awoke beside a 42-year-old woman. All my life I’ve dreamed of waking beside a 42-year-old woman, but that dream has not come true. This morning I woke alone and met a 42-year-old at the church. She was the prettiest woman I’ve ever seen. When I saw her, I dreamed of waking beside her sometime, but tonight. I’m alone again, and therefore will awake alone in the morning.
Weekends are tough on me. It’s really hard to go to bed alone. Though Allison does it nearly every night, I always crawl into a warm bed, save these two nights. Weekends leave the bed cold and barren, uninviting even for the exhausted. So I roam and read and write, wander and wonder, gaze upward from the deck, clean and mess things up, ponder and percolate, waft wisps heavenward, and climb into cold sheets scented with memory. Rumpled covers where she’s been, pajamas on the bedside floor, stepped out of heading to the shower.
Eventually, I’ll give out and crawl into the rumpled covers, pull her pajamas up under the covers, lay my head on her pillow and breathe deeply - deep as my lungs can open, and try to catch the scent of her afternoon nap, a scent to stimulate a dream that will simulate my love beside me. I’ll continue to dream about waking beside a 42-year-old woman for another day.