give and take

Recently I blogged about being filled in giving to someone as opposed to being depleted from having given. Why do some relationships flow and fill with both members giving to the other, while other relationships that have both members giving deplete both members. In the same token, some relationships flow with only one member giving, but the other receives, rather than takes. In this case, the giving member receives not only through his giving, but also in the other’s receiving.
Not many of us would care to admit that we are takers in a relationship. This is true partly because most of us are depleted in relationship, and therefore we feel that we are always giving. But there is a scenario that keeps us from being filled in giving and our gift being received, because we are taking through our giving. Perhaps we have some need to be needed and we give to fill our own need to be needed rather than give to fill another’s need. This is taking under the guise of giving, and in taking, we have closed ourselves off to the ability to be given to, or the abilityGiving and receiving to receive. When taking, one can only take.
Since we don’t care to admit it, or we don’t even recognize it, we feel that it is easy for us to give, and if we feel any inadequacy in our relational capabilities, we attribute it to our inability to receive from others. You’ve heard this. In sincerest intended humility, “it is very easy for me to give, but very difficult for me to receive.” We may even admit (maybe even errantly), that this is a pride issue on our parts, because we think it is weak or demeaning to receive. So we only “give”. But our giving isn’t selfless and is done for our own sakes rather than the one to whom we are giving. It makes us feel good to give. When we are intent upon (even subconsciously) taking care of our own needs, we don’t leave ourselves open to have someone else minister to us or speak into our lives. What’s more, most people can sense whether our giving is selfless, or self-absorbed, and will be hurt by feeling used.
My shocking bottom line statement here is that I don’t think one can honestly give unless he can honestly receive. I believe this is biblically sound. Simple even. Unless we can learn to receive, we have absolutely nothing to give. Unpack.
It all starts with receiving something that we can’t create or do for ourselves. For this reason we need God, and for this reason, God created us to need each other. This is not a theology that is commonly taught or accepted. We teach (rightly) self-denial, sacrifice, generosity, humility, but giving to fulfill your own need to be needed, is none of these. Quite the contrary. So once again we embrace the direct opposite as its counterfeit.
Self-denial recognizes my inability to do for myself and therefore receives what I can’t do. Sacrifice means giving without regard to my own needs. Generosity gives with no expectation in return, but is returned in the joy of the one ministered to. Humility recognizes that I am not needed and I can’t be filled by being something that I am not.
So to say I can give, but can’t receive, is mutually exclusive. Giving becomes taking, and as a result, one neither gives nor receives.