stigmatography

I just read, Girl, Interrupted by Susanna Kaysen. It is very good. Reads like a blog, but I guess instead of a weblog, it was a paper blog. A plog maybe. Anyway, it is good. Somewhat scary actually.
As is my way of thinking, everything that I do or am interested in, to me seems very connected. Sometimes when people hear of my interests and activities, they say things like, you’re very diverse, or, you’re eclectic, or… , etc. This never makes sense to me because I think it’s all connected. I always thought I was the most one-tracked person on the planet. But that’s just how I think. I find (or imagine) connections that other folks don’t see (or would never imagine).
Kaysen is musing about what people are thinking when they learn that she spent nearly 2 years in a “loony bin”. Seems that this information is surprising because she didn’t come off as “crazy”. So witnessing her normalcy, they wonder what it is that lands someone in a mental hospital, and if it is possible that they might catch it or worse, already have it.

So here I am reading and am immediately made to think about what people think of me when they stumble upon my blog. I begin to think about all the rabbits I chase down their seemingly endless holes and wonder if someday I might not find a little vial down there that says, “drink me.” What if I drink it? What if I don’t? Will it be red? Or blue? Almost makes you want to stop thinking. Stop finding so many connections. I think some pretty crazy things sometimes. Sometimes I even write them down.
So what do people think when they stumble on my blog? This guy needs to get a life! Or maybe they can’t reconcile some of the things I say with other things I say. Disconnected? Maybe nothing I say has any credibility because I go off on all this spiritual stuff that seems so narrow minded. Then I remember another connection, something Real Live Preacher said in his blog yesterday. I quote:

But I get the occasional angry email from someone who is an atheist or an agnostic. These are very rare, but they come now and again. There was this woman who sent me a series of “Please, you can’t be this stupid, can you?” emails. All of them were very condescending, suggesting that I'm ridiculously stupid for believing in God. I’m not sure what she expected me to do with that information. I mean, if I AM that stupid, then I’m probably going to continue being stupid, right? I'm either not stupid, and will therefore ignore her and continue to write, or I'm stupid and will continue to write out of rank ignorance.

I’ll certainly confess to rank ignorance. But I don’t think that’s why I believe such unbelievable stuff. I might even confess to some mental fragility or emotional instability or such, but I don’t think that is why I believe such unbelievable stuff. Truth is, I really do see all these crazy things play in every place in every day. That’s why I believe them.
I see them, feel them, am moved, motivated and inspired by them.
That’s why Susanna Kaysen and Real Live Preacher come together to set my wheels in motion. I live in a layered, multi-dimensional world of wave and particle, substance and matter and principalities. Some things are seen and some aren’t. I know it seems crazy. Of course it seems foolish. There is a wisdom to be sought for which you will always seem foolish in the seeking. It’s a life inverted. It means standing in line for great lengths of time only to find out that they’ve moved the ticket counter to the other end of the line. Some schmuck has been standing back there letting people cut line in front of him, and suddenly he’s up to the counter.
None of this makes any sense. And if you’re willing to explore this stuff, you’re bound to seem a bit mental.